i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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