i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
