Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
