You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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