alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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