Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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