Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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