i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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