True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
