I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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