Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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