You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just gargled with NyQuil
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
