Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
