life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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