Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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