I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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