Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
