So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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