I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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