I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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