What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
