I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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