You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
