I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
