You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
