Just cropdusted the office
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
