dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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