Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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