Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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