omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
