so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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