do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
