Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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