It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
