just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
