Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
