You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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