there's paper in my vomit.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
