A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
