all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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