Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
