Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
