Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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