I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
