Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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