I will die if light touches me.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
