Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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