Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
