smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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