I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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