I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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