reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
