There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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