Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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