Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
