Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
