and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
