Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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