I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
