tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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