woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
